I have been passing a number of unusual looking vehicles on the road in Ukraine. They literally looked like a bread bin perched high up on wheels and I guessed that they must be old Soviet stock. After all, no one else could have built something that strange surely?
This strange looking vehicle is called a Uaz pronounced ‘Waz’ or more properly ‘Uaz Bukhanka 452’, they are solid Russian 4WD vans with absolutely no notion of comfort whatsoever. Buhanka actually means ‘loaf’ so the makers knew what it looked like! When I first saw one, it actually reminded me of the old snub nosed Bedford vans that trundled around the UK in the 70’s. I also learned to drive in the classic British Leyland Sherpa van, so ‘unusual’ looking vans are kind of in my blood.
In Moldova and the Ukraine, most of the vans are driven as either government or farmers vehicles or occasionally community ambulances. Either way, they don’t attract much attention locally, except from foreigners like me. There is a small problem with attracting attention from foreigners in the Ukraine as they seem to have been pressed into use as field ambulances, troop carriers and even field kitchens and understandably the military types driving them don’t much like pictures being taken of them for fear that fifth columnists (spies) might be plotting their locations for Russian saboteurs. This is a real concern as spies are sneaking around from time to time and no-one has any risk tolerance. That’s why I have pulled a few of these pictures from the internet, as I didn’t much fancy getting a kicking by the roadside for a picture!
My paranoia related to the situation manifested a couple of days ago when I headed down to the border with my colleague Udar. Udar was previously Head of the Moldovan Presidential Bodyguard. He is a really low key good guy, with loads of contacts, which is absolutely what we need when we have to pull rabbits out of hats. And we do pull many rabbits out of a range of hats sometimes.
Udar is also licensed, as a retired Colonel, to carry a firearm. This is totally unnecessary in Moldova as its currently one of the safest places I have ever been to, but I think it makes him feel ‘complete’ so I keep quiet, even when he tucks it in my seat back for ‘safekeeping’ He does occasionally reach over the back of my seat to check that it’s still there, which is a little worrying, but again, he’s a professional so…
I seem to have spent a lot of time in the car recently getting from A to B ‘fixing’ things and sourcing more accomodation for the poor buggers who have been displaced, but it’s also a very good way to see the country. The countryside is stunningly beautiful and so I asked Udar to pull over by the side of the road by a particularly spectacular sunflower field, so I could take pictures.
It’s no coincidence that the Ukranian flag is blue on top and yellow at the bottom – although that was originally based on the wheat fields.
We hadn’t stopped for a while and so after taking some pictures, I decided to wander over to the edge of the field and water the flowers, so to speak. I had no sooner contemplated the scene than I was stunned to hear two quick shots behind me and I dived to the ground. Expecting to see a Spetsnaz snatch squad team pounce and bundle me into their own covert Uaz van. I made like a mole and tried to burrow into the now wet undergrowth. Udar, who by now had picked up the two pheasants that he’d shot through their chests with his 9mm, quite seriously asked me what I was doing? I of course, claimed that I had dropped my phone and was just looking for it. He shrugged and didn’t seem to mind that the birds were almost turned inside out by the large rounds and after stuffing them into a plastic bag, he put them in the boot of the car, presumably for dinner.
Udar later recounted a story to me about just how basic the “Uaz’ was. He told me that the van didn’t even have an interior light, let alone heating or a radio. Here’s a couple of pictures;
Perfect for moving your potatoes around…
Obviously, not having an interior light meant that you couldn’t do things like read a map inside the vehicle and that was recognised eventually as a bit of a drawback and so rather than solve what was obviously for them a costly engineering challenge, they published an addendum to what was the ‘owners manual’
Translated, this paragraph says
“Position the vehicle perpendicular (90° ± 4.5°) to a white or light colored flat wall at a distance of 2.4 to 6 meters. Set the parking brake lever to the activated position. Set the light switch 29 (Fig. 2) to position III. Set the high beam switch 31a (fig. 2) to the ON position. The headlights reflected from the wall will illuminate the interior”
Well, that was one way of getting around the lack of interior light…
Heading into western Ukraine with still ringing ears, Udar told me a story of when he was a young boy and his father was in charge of a ‘Kolkhoz’ – one of the old Soviet collective farms. He had an ex military Uaz, still in its drab green colouring. They both went out with a couple of uncles mushroom hunting in a thick forest, some way from their home. He recalled that the Uaz needed to be repaired every 15kms or so, as it would either overheat or the transmission would ‘stick’ The Uaz also has a very high centre of gravity and the uneven roads, plus an unspecified amount of vodka, conspired to cause the Uaz to slowly topple over to rest on its side. The occupants, including the 8 year old Udar scrambled out and luckily they were none the worse for the experience. They could not push the van back onto its wheels and Udar’s father explained to him that the Uaz was very tired and that it needed a good rest. They eventually trudged out of the forest and got a lift back to their village on the back of a tractor. The Uaz reportedly was undamaged, or at least not as much as their pride.
On another trip, I met up with one of my colleagues at a town just south of Lviv. ‘Jack’ is a former American Green Beret and has an extensive military history in Iraq and Afghanistan. Like most special forces soldiers, Jack doesn’t talk much, but when I mentioned the Uaz, his eyes lit up and he told me that he’d been driving around Diyala province in Iraq, picking up human sources of information and having them share their intelligence in the back – i.e. paying them for it, before dropping them off again. He knew that the white Toyota land cruiser he’d been issued attracted too much attention and he’d long been on the look out for a lower key vehicle that would blend in better with its surroundings.
One day, he heard of an Iraqi Colonel who was in charge of a transportation depot. He was told that the Colonel had dozens of Uaz trucks, some jeeps and even a couple of tanks under his very loose control. Jack met the Colonel, who turned out to be a disturbingly shifty, unkempt individual who might have made Benny Hill look like a pillar of the community and opened a conversation with him. By the second meeting, the Colonel had already signalled his desire for some pornographic magazines, which as you might imagine, weren’t exactly hard to find in your average Coalition barracks.
By the next meeting, Jack had mentioned he was interested in a new ride and after an initial bargaining period he chose the nastiest looking but most mechanically sound Uaz (sound is a relative term). The cost of this prize turned out to be a small pile of porno magazines, two half empty whiskey bottles and a carton of cigarettes. The van was, as Jack recalled, the easiest vehicle to maintain he’d ever had and with only a ball of string, gum and some masking tape, it ran for several months and never let him down. What a bargain!
Arriving in Kyiv a couple of days later, we checked into a small but very swanky hotel in the city centre. It was owned by a very rich local sporting identity and was the height of chic, with its dark decor and sensual artwork on the walls. After checking in, I noticed that it had some interesting items in the mini bar. Modesty prevents me from describing the contents of the ‘love box’ but suffice it to say that if I hadn’t been alone and the TV was broken, it wouldn’t have mattered.
Although I was weary, our meetings weren’t until the next day and so I asked the front desk staff to find out what was on at the Opera house, which was very close by. It turned out the show for that night was ‘Natalka Poltavka’ a well known Ukrainian tale that according to the plot summary ‘reveals the best features of the Ukranian national character – nobility, moral purity, spiritual strength and courage’. I didn’t get all of the nuances, what with it being in Ukranian, but it was fun, more of a comic opera and the lead character, ‘Natalka’ was fantastic, beautiful as well as having a great voice.
This was Jacks first Opera and coming from Illinois, I don’t think he knew exactly what to expect, but the 121 years old Opera house was lovely, with an amazing ornate ceiling and the most beautiful painted silk curtains and drapes. I was very impressed, even after having been to some really lovely theatres over the years. I couldn’t help but sneak glance at Jack when the band started up and the curtain raised. I was hoping for something like a Julia Roberts/La Traviata ‘face lights up’ moment in Pretty woman, but his usual stoic expression continued… Like myself, Jack has a habit of falling asleep in the cinema but both of us stayed awake for the whole show and we really enjoyed the experience.
What a ceiling!
All in all, it was a great series of trips and interesting conversations and I am reminded that everyday, I learn something new.